Married to a New Man

I’m married to the old man version of my husband. 

The old man doesn’t pressure me for sex, he’s calmed down in that department. We never talked about it, it just happened. 

The old man version of my husband is now cleaning the kitchen. 

The old man version of my husband not only takes out the garbage cans to the road, but he brings them back in too.

The old man version of my husband is doing all of the things I wished he did when we were both young.

He puts down his phone and looks at me when I talk to him.

He put gas in my car a few weeks ago.  He just did it.  Pulled my car out of the garage and took it to get gas.  He’s never done that in 33 years.

I read somewhere that over the course of a really long marriage; you will be married to three or four different people.  That is… if we allow each other to grow and change at will.

This makes sense to me.  I am definitely not the same person I was when I was 25 years old.  I am not the same person I was at 35 years old, and 57-year-old me is an entirely new person.

It’s easy to see the changes in myself.

It’s harder to accept that my husband has also truly changed.

My mind sees these new versions of him, and my nervous system still sees the old version of him.

He empties the dishwasher without being asked, I am surprised every single time.  I have this wave of feelings and my mind whispers, “If he would have done that even once in a while when the three children were young it would have made me not hate him as much back then.”

Why does this version of him trigger so many flashbacks?

We separated 12 years ago.  He moved out for three months. 

The only difference, and I mean literally the ONLY difference in my daily life when he was gone was that I had to take the trash out on Sundays.

Back then I dreamed of a version of him like the one he is now.

Yesterday, he refilled the K-cup rack.  For the first time ever.  I didn’t ask him to.

I joked, “Oh my god.  You refilled the K-cups???  Now I’ve got nothing to be mad at you about!”

It’s true.  I’m capable of grace, I’m capable of tolerating little things that annoy me.  Even in my times of unhappiness in our relationship, I kept the peace.  But how do I accept this new version of him without resentment for the way he used to be?  On one hand it shows me that he could have done these things all along, he just chose not to.

On the other hand, can I just accept that I finally have the kind of husband I always wanted.

Isn’t that what’s best for me?  Isn’t that what’s best for our family?  Is this my opportunity to grow into a new and better version of myself too?

I can’t be the only one feeling this way.