Sweet Dreams

I stopped sleeping well the night my first baby was born.  I rested, but I never could access the kind of sleep I experienced in my childless life, even during a nap. 

I used to call it the “fireman” sleep.  My eyes closed, technically asleep, but my mind was always ready to jolt awake and step into my boots if a child needed me!

When I was a teenager, I slept for fifteen hours straight without waking up!

As a mother, my young babies woke me up with cries, and my older babies kept me awake with my own mind’s worries about them.  How many nights did I lay awake until I heard the door close and the sound of my teenage son’s feet on the stairs?  Too many to count.

I knew the empty nest was coming, and I braced myself for it.

For a long time, my kids kept coming and going, no one gone for good.

They gave me a taste of what it would be like, and I tried to practice letting them go, but it wasn’t actually real until two days ago.

I have feared the quiet.

Even dreaded it.

My daughter moved out right after Christmas.  She bought a home of her own and I am so happy for her.

My son left to go back to college two days ago.

He was so ready to go back.  I could feel it in his tone and his facial expressions.  I so vividly remember feeling the same when I was his age.  I was actually happy that he felt that way!  It’s healthy to feel irritated by your parents; it’s healthy to long for your own life with days made of your own choices.

I cried in the shower for a long time after he left. 

This was it.

All three of my kids are out of the house and happy where they are.  My two daughters are in their own homes with full lives, and my son is away at school, content with his studies and his friends.

The first night of quiet was weird.  Unnatural.  I cried a lot.

But last night surprised me.

I went to bed, knowing the house was empty of children.  Empty of dogs (they moved with my daughter.)

I had no reason to set an alarm for the next morning.

I settled down in my bed and drifted off to sleep.

When I woke up, it was daylight.

I looked at the clock and it was 10:15 am!! 

I slept for 11 hours straight without waking up!  I didn’t even wake up to pee! 

Oh my gosh! 

I haven’t slept for that long uninterrupted for 29 years.

I went to the bathroom and crawled back into my warm bed.

No dogs barking.  No one rattling around in the kitchen.  I fell back asleep for another hour.

I came downstairs at 11:15 am to an empty house.

It felt fine.

I felt fine.

The kitchen was still clean from yesterday and I had the whole day ahead of me.

The weather was bad, so I stayed in and made vegetable soup.  I listened to my favorite podcast and didn’t take a shower.  The day was all mine.

Oh, how I have missed sleep.

How I have missed a quiet mind.

I really didn’t expect anything positive to happen after my kids left. 

At least not this soon.