Say What You Need To Say

I saw a video of a psychologist explaining why many women are “over explainers.”  It comes from not being listened to when you were young.  It comes from the feeling that you don’t have the right to take up space and simply state what you want. 

I know I am a talker and a storyteller; I love to weave a web and deliver a punchline.  But that part of my personality is different from the over explainer.  Deep down I feel like my choices require justification. 

I am always presenting exhibit A through Z for every single thing I do.  I have an unusually strong need to be understood mixed with a people pleaser personality.

Most of the time I keep going until I get a satisfactory reaction from whomever I’m talking to.

So how do I stop this? Is it worth it to try?

The psychologist said you should express your wants and needs like a kindergartner.

 We teach kindergarteners to say things like, “Stop. I don’t like that.” 

“No.”

“I want chicken for dinner, not spaghetti.”

This really struck a chord with me.

No justifying.  No reasons why.  Just say it.  In as few words as possible.

Am I capable of doing that?

Do I believe in myself enough to say exactly what I need?

No explanation.

No supporting evidence.

No dancing around other people’s feelings.

I had to try it.

My husband and I are a year and a half into a massive home renovation.  Every weekend we drive an hour and a half to the property and spend long weekends embroiled in the projects. 

I’ve started having panic attacks again after 32 years of not having a single one.  The stress is getting to me on a biological level.  A major setback came up yesterday and my husband said that I needed to go to the house in the morning and sort it out with the contractor and he would meet me there at lunch time to help. 

I was awake half the night worrying about it.  He left for work early, and when I woke up, I felt absolutely terrible.  Nauseous, clammy, I could feel the cortisol surging through my body.  I lay in bed and thought, “What do I need?”

I need to not go to the house.

I picked up my phone and sent my husband the following text:

“I can’t go to the house today.”

That’s it.

It took everything I had not to explain with a thousand reasons why.

I just left it at that, it felt crazy, perhaps even reckless… and instantly I felt 100% better.

He answered right away texting that he would go and handle it.  HE DIDN’T EVEN ASK WHY I COULDN’T GO!

Oh my gosh.

It feels like a tremendous breakthrough.

I can’t wait to try it again.

I am already imagining scenarios.

“I won’t be at the party, hope it is a lovely time.”

“I was embarrassed last night with the way you talked to our friends.” 

He did embarrass me last night.  This is a perfect example of a situation where I would normally say all of the “right” things and explain and explain and explain to get my point across trying to make sure I don’t start a fight or upset anyone.

Men say what they mean and drop the mic.

Why does saying what I mean feel like dropping an anvil?

I think this is actually a shortcut to getting to a place with myself that I have yearned for.  There’s this feeling that comes over me sometimes, like I am looking through a portal, and I see myself and I am totally at peace.  I can literally feel it in my body. 

I just haven’t been able to figure out how to get there. 

This could be the way.

Say what I mean.

Say it and leave it there.