From Monologue to Dialogue: One Reformed Rambler’s Tale

I come from a family of long talkers. 

Entire evenings with long stories level talkers; almost performative, definitely selfish, often off-putting.

My mother does it, and so did I,hen you put two talkers together it is a battle for who will win! Sometimes you need someone just like you to show you what it is like to actually be with you.

Have you ever climbed an especially long set of stairs? There’s a moment when your body wakes up and kind of speaks to you, “Shouldn’t we be there yet?”  I bet you have no idea how many steps are in a standard set of stairs, but your body does know, and when it’s too long you feel it.   

It’s the same with long talkers. If you read peoples body language, you can tell when a story has gone on too long.  Their body starts to slacken, they are no longer leaning forward to engage, they become neutral and then they start to lean backwards to try to physically get away from this never-ending story and that’s when the half smile sets in.  If you are the talker and you are looking at a half smile – reassess!

I couldn’t figure out why I would feel totally drained and gross from some get togethers.  It was usually because I had gone on and on about me for way too long, it’s like I would unzip my chest and leave my guts out on the floor.

I decided about ten years ago that I want to be delightful to be with!  More than anything I wanted the people I love to feel loved and heard after spending time with me.  So, I started doing this little ritual…

I pause for a moment before I enter a situation and remind myself, “Everything that I have to say today is something that I already know.  I can talk the enire time and leave no better off than when I walked in. Or, I can make my goal to learn as much as I can about my friend’s life today.  I will be so much richer for that.  I want to talk less than my friend.  I want her to feel really heard and loved.  I want to share just the important things going on with me.  What are they?  I think of a few really important things I want to share before I meet my friend. It keeps me from going off the rails and wasting precious time talking about all of the dog sweaters I bought on Amazon and how I had to take half of them back.

When I sit down with someone, I assess in the first few minutes who “needs” the time together more.  I ask questions of my friend first, before I say anything about myself.  If they are having a hard time, I note to myself, “Today it’s her turn.”  It really works!  Sometimes it is my turn because I have the most crap going on, but it’s never always about me.  That’s huge.  It’s never always just about me.

As with anything that is ingrained in us, these habits aren’t always easy to change, and I am not perfect.  I spent a day with a good friend of mine this week and I just came back from a trip to Europe and had a lot to say.  Before I knew it, 80% of the talking was done by me.  The good thing is that my body actually feels bad afterwards and I can quickly understand why.

I am always a work in progress.  Thank you for listening to another one of my stories dear friends!